I have seen the light!

I had a blinding flash of inspiration last night - as I've been trying to work out why I have this whole underlying "I'm not good enough" thing and have been wondering "good enough for what? By whose standards?" and so forth. As I understand it most people get this from parents but mine don't really undermine us very much - Mr Man thinks we are fabulous and is forever supportive and JM thinks we are better than her and, for all she responds to anything her kids tell her with a story about someone else who has done similar if not better, she doesn't indulge in the "haven't you lost weight, only a stone to go dear" behaviour of many of the mums of friends of mine (who have far closer relationships).

Anyway the blinding realisation - I spend 13 years of my life in an environment where I was continually aware that I was scum because I wasn't Scottish. 6 hours a day, 5 days a week 40 weeks of the year, spent at school, it's bound to create an issue or two for a child. I then moved to England in the hope of freedom from this where I still got grief for another 3 years until I lost all trace of an accent. No wonder I have no memories of that time to speak of! And there we have it - the totally irrational I'm not good enough. Not even enough logic in if for "Good enough for...". I wasn't good enough to be a close friend to, I wasn't good enough to want to socialise outside school with I wasn't good enough to have anything to do with at all if it could possibly be avoided. Sad isn't it that kids are so cruel? Now I think I know where it's come from perhaps it can just start going away again and I can get on with being good enough to be a human being after all (without succumbing to the urge to classify everyone from my school days as scum sucking pond dwellers because I'm good enough not to have to be petty). Just nobody ask me what my views are on devolution for a few months - tow it out and sink it is too good for my Scotland right now.