A catastrophic week

This week has been a bag of pooh. Last Tuesdays classes were OK. Marketing usual stuff - and the poor lecturer really hasn't worked out his targeting yet - we had a good 10 minutes sidetrack as he had to explain the imagery about putting salt in a dishwasher (some people were vocal about not understanding this) and why not having to salt was a benefit for a dishwasher - too many of us just don't have this item of white goods. He does seem to be improving however. The course leader then called - he's opened a right can of worms and I've just spent over an hour on my email of feedback - may/may not make an appearance in the journal, I feel it is useful.

MIE well I didn't fully achieve my goal of non contribution but I did better. As usual managed to not make my points clear but hey that's why we need to keep our gob shut. Data was pretty good really - I got my head round regression at the time any way.

My week continued - the mood diary is looking bleak (it was looking empty, you know the classic you only write stuff when you are down? That theory is very much in action here) Supervision on Friday was a traumatic experience. Could have done with a "you tell too many stories and personalise stuff. Please don't do it so much" Rather than the caring sharing "I've been thinking about why you might do this and it's classic low self esteem behaviour but you have no reason to have low self esteem - you are very good at your job and I do wonder why you are doing this when you could do so much more" kind of approach. Ah yes that'll be my crippling low self esteem. Epitomised in the immortal words of Tim Wood "your not good enough" But good enough for what? I'm trying to build a whole new set of foundations to climb on based on the concept that "if you don't know what it is then how can you know what good enough is so you are probably there" Day one and I've not cried today so that's progress. That and 2 new affirmations "Don't say shit, no-one wants to hear it" and "I'm happy and Great, I have something valid to contribute" Yes I know these do not scan and great and contribute don't rhyme but they are good thought blocking dittys. And they potentially contradict but the 1st one is about saying stuff and the second one is about thinking and doing but not about saying.

The mood diary suggests that there may be a hormonal element of my taking things so hard. However there's something else going on that the self esteem revealing stories have been escalating - and I thing that something is MIE. I think a blitz on getting assignments moved on over the next week would be a very sensible move - the sooner I can stop the blues.

This thing has thrown up another can of worms - whilst acknowledging that my absence would be bad for my employer he also indicated I probably need to think about where to next and that may well be around the same time as finishing this course. Now I know that logically I knew that but it escalates the whole where/when/why thing about where to next. Had a great conversation with one of the other students about what her work was about - strategic people management kind of thing. And it is the people stuff that I engage with most, whilst liking the concept of strategic stuff and the whole data handling thing but where does this lead me? I know I don't want to be in a social care/child centred environment (I don't think it's right for me long term) but I'm back to the days of temping and knowing what you don't want to do. Right then with that at the top of my head lets go explore these career thing s for tomorrow MIE!