The results (for completeness)

Well I have my results now - a very respectable 65% grade average gives me a Pass with Merit. I am very pleased with myself: grade for the module this was for is 62% overall. And that is the end of this blog!

Residential

On my return from the residential I can say I have learned
I can contribute to a group as an equal not just as the minuter
I am clearly as bright as everyone else on the course
I no longer need to do everything just to fit in
I am good at quite a lot of things
I get impatient with crap music through tinny speakers
I like a group that banters and swears
I find it easier to be in a group that negotiates
Not all groups need a leader if everyone is willing to take the lead - this only works where full honest negotiation has been agreed
YOu can agree to differ and continue
I'm not very good at not being the person presenting the results... I find it unsettling (because I usually am)
What a lot to have learned. I feel pretty darn good about Iola, she needs to get on with thinking about her future now... after Wednesday when I hand in the assignments of course...

2nd Assignment Frenzy

Well I didn't learn last time and we have assignment phrenzy all over again. I took a week off to do assignments a couple of weeks ago but I didn't achieve as much as I'd hoped. I am now pleased to say that I have done as much as I'm going to do on the Finance assignment. It sits pristine waiting to be photocopied on tuesday at work and then I can submit it the following monday. There is logic in this - we have a residential for 3 days this week and if something comes up there I may have to alter the damn things but hopefully not.

I am now trying to finalise my Operations management one. This is a pig. I sent a chunk in for review and got back some very depressing feedback - and then my checking that "is it currently a fail" has not been responded to... Well the tutor has got the completely wrong idea about why I'm doing this so I've tried to clear that up. She referred me to the vast tracts of research about sure start project working with other organisations.... Yes we do that bit pretty well actually its the whole internal bit we have issues with. So I now refer to all this research as "we can do this bit, so why don't we do this bit?"

The Business Environment assignment is lurking in a dubious state. I've done lots of writing and suggested to myself the kind of materials it's drawing from. Just need to find these materials and cut down bunches of stuff and put in some more academic kind of references. Thats all HA HA Hopefully a days work tomorrow.

What have I learned from all this?

well 1. bank holidays are indeed for doing course work - I've been doing this for the last 10 years, since 1993 and the NVQ portfolio, the 1st teaching qual year, the 7307, then the2 years of PGCE, now I'm doing this. Guess what every year I spend it doing things that, because I have to study them, I'm no longer interested in them. And this is the first year I have recognised that I'm just not going to change am I? If I have to do it for a certificate the goal is the certificate and I no longer enjoy it.
2. Therefore I should stop chasing certificates - I was interested in this stuff before I started the course (and I recognise that I will be interested again once it is over) therefore DONT DO THE COURSES! Certificates clearly do not show you know stuff.
3. I resent study. I get angry at having to do it to the exclusion of all else.
4. I enjoy learning stuff for the fun of it, I enjoy following the tangents, I enjoy the mianderings but I have no time for Academic rigour. I like stuff to be well researched for me, not doing the research myself, I am a consumer of knowledge not a distiller of it.

5. I now have the confidence (see all that stuff from last novemeber) in myself to realise that I am bright, the bits of paper don't make me bright. I just need to go out there and do it. All the study actually undermines my sense of self. Because people come back and say "have you looked at ..." I interpret that as "they are so much better than you we want you to be like that" but it actually means "they've spent more time working at it and found out X. You can utilise this."

6. I no longer have any respect for my boss. He has started to use my coursework as a way to remind me I'm not ready to move on to a new job yet. When I suggested I may have time to look around once it's complete he got very "but lets not put the cart before the horse" he knows I'm ready to move on, but rather than encourage me (right oh get your skates on, I need to be able to find someone who is committed to us, as Carol did) he's taking the try to get her to stay option. I know it would be easy - 6 months of drifting on having an easy time...but then I'd have the whole self doubt start up and the added moral dilemna of "well there is only a short while to run on your contact now. How will they find a good replacement, how can you leave them in the lurch?"
7. I can use reflection to avoid work...

Psychological testing

This afternoon I have been reading a book called"Understanding Psychological Testing" by Charles Jackson (1996, Leicester, BPS Books) (WHY didn't I use this format at the beginning of every journal entry based on my reading?)

I wanted to explore a bit more about the validity and methodology of these, especially after my test(wrong it's questionnaire) frenzy last week, and the impressions I was getting. Well good to know the brain is in gear because the gender/ethnocientric/class/bias issues that I raised are all in there - and signposted as areas of concern. My views on validity matched those raised, in fact I think that most of the book was an expansion on what I feel is common sense.

One useful point was the definitions - a psychometric test is one where the higher the score the "better the performance" the kind of thing that I think of when someone says there was a test as part of an interview process. A psychometric questionnaire is the kind of thing I was doing where there is no right/wrong you are exploring your personality. Another was the time scale for validity of use - for adults a test/quest. Done more than a year ago is no longer a fair representation, for children about 6 months. This puts a whole new light on any workplace tests such as the ones we looked at in the class, where the employer categorised a persons training opportunities on the results of a psychological test. A third issue was the one I raised about how do you know a test is rigorously researched - and the fact that it's expensive devising the kind of recruitment tests and training people to facilitate them so tests continue to be used even once their validity is brought into question.

I don't think my views on these have altered - in the main they are very useful for people self testing/starting courses of professional coaching/therapy or similar, but they are personal. For recruitment purposes if you are a large organisation with the financial resources to be sure your have bought and are upgrading the most valid product for your purposes I'm certain they have a place, however the 1 year rule must stand and to refer to an out of date test on someone's file would be as unfair as referring to a spent disciplinary record when looking at staff development/promotion prospects.

Stress

Over breakfast I have been skimming a book called "Stress" by Tom Cox (1978, London, the MacMillan Press Ltd). This was quite enlightening - it's drawing on research from 30 years ago, mostly from the time of the early 70s recession. There was a bunch of stuff about how do you define stress and the conclusion was
"Stress, it is argued, can only be sensibly defined as a perceptual phenomenon arising from a comparison between the demand on the person and his ability to cope. An imbalance in this mechanism, when coping is important, gives rise to the experience of stress, and to stress response. The latter represent attempts at coping with the source of stress. Coping is both psychological (involving cognitive and behavioural strategies) and physiological. If normal coping is ineffective, stress is prolonged and abnormal responses may occur. The occurrence of these, and prolonged exposure to stress per se, may give rise to functional and structural damage. The progress of these events is subject to great individual variation."

I have to say that I couldn't agree more this was most definitely my experience of negative stress. Further on it compares the human experience of stress where a little bit enhances performance, then you get wobbly then you crash with the stress curve of metals. Interesting, and of course looking back at my materials science days how very true - it is indeed exactly the same, and of course there are treatments you give to different metals that can improve their stress resistance. I like cool analogies.

The chapter on work place stress was interesting because it focused on the stress of unskilled production line jobs. I remember in my shredding books days thinking about how some of my colleagues coped (I did because I knew I was off back to college in 9 months to do a PGCE in Primary Ed so it was only temporary) and realising that the only way was by switching off their brains and becoming thick - and I thought there but for the grace go I... Exactly what this book reported, how the end result of this switch off was lots of physiological responses to stress as the brain shut down the body became ill.

Then I thought about some of my other colleagues - it was 1991 and ectasy was just taking off - and wondered why they did the drugs they did at weekends thinking - why wipe yourself out for a week for 1 night of fun? - and I realised again it was their way of coping with the tedium of life, having a mind numbing job all week isn't so bad if you have already numbed your mind till Wednesday on a Friday/Saturday night. That was also the time of Trainspotting and the recognition that Heroin/crack use is frequently tied to low hope of improvement in life quality. For years this has left me wondering why do people with higher powered jobs - ones giving more challenges etc - still do the recreational drugs at the weekend, but of course if the boredom I saw is stress and the need for release of people with a "stressy" job is a release the same coping mechanism is being applied. I know the rationale for illegal drug use won't be the same for everyone but it is something to have in the back of ones mind if you ever are in a situation when it becomes apparent a member of your team is doing these things.

Another area of discussion was the Man-job fit model for overcoming work place stress. This was very interesting because it is a person centred approach to jobs rather than an organisation centred approach - the costs are higher (so either you make less profit or charge more for your goods) but the people are happier - what price on your staff wellbeing. As society changes will individuals come to terms with the concept "my DVD player should cost more so the workforce are healthier?"

Assignment frenzy 2 days to hand in

Well it would have been if I'd done this last night when I finished the critique of my CV. There was something very cathartic about doing that. It's as if by bringing memories up to the surface then commenting on them to draw something positive you close the door on that bit of time. I am slightly concerned about the levels of repetition I'm feeling about the phrases "next job" and "when I was teaching" however as "next job" is ultimately what this course has become about, as it has become apparent than internal upward development is limited, and as "when I was teaching" was the career I invested a lot in but it was not the right one plus there are a lot of things learned from that experience I feel it is inevitable.

I definitely made the right move with all those psychometric tests then the skills check - very positive about my skills I was when doing that. It is hard for us all to appreciate that what we do is good when it's what we do all the time. If you do it all the time that becomes your average and as you are more aware of your own efforts, or in my case don't see anyone who does similar work, you loose the perspective on what you do. It was also interesting finding the skills analysis I'd done in the autumn - where my skills listing done on the Leeds met site came out as "you need to work on all these areas to apply for graduate jobs" then I did a similar one this week, I don't think I've developed in those areas in 2 months, just my realisation of my abilities has improved.

Whether what I have done is correct for the assignment of course remains to be seen, however what I have done is create a very useful bank of data for myself which ultimately is probably more important. Achieving the exams is nice (and gets the funding for the university so that they can continue teaching other people and so on and business cycle) but perhaps I am finally getting to grips with the fact that learning is the goal not the bit of paper that indicates someone has tried to get me to learn something. That's an intriguing concept - is a qualification evidence of learning or evidence of someone attempting to help you to learn something?

Assignment frenzy 3 days to planned hand in...

I have spent the last 3 days doing lots of psychometric tests. I found "Psychometric Testing, 1000 ways to assess your personality, creativity, intelligence and lateral thinking" by Philip Carter and Ken Russell in the library on Tuesday and had a go with regard to my Personal Development portfolio... And have learned some intriguing things:
1. You come across a load of stuff like this in Women's and health and "awareness" magazines, I generally approach them with the attitude "something to do, but of course take the results with a pinch of salt as the science behind the tests is probably not very rigorous and at the end of the day they are likely to be preying on people's insecurities to try and sell more magazines" However I just assumed because this book came out of the university library the science would be valid, and the tests fair and have realistic results - no references at the back no author profile at the front - from a series of books "the IQ workout series" that's all I know. So why? Does this make them invalid I wondered? At this point I guess I could have given up but they are kind of addictive so I continued.
2. As the assumption is you are doing these tests to get a genuine profile they do not hid the questions that are going to give you obvious outcomes - makes marking nice and easy and reinforces the fact that you are doing this for yourself not to compare with others - plus I felt the lack of hiding made me more comfortable that there were no rights and wrongs - although the titles said what the test was about and sometimes you felt "well I'd like to be..." So it was tempting to tweak the answers.
3. As I worked my way through the tests I started to notice a clear gender bias... It was definitely assumed that the person completing the questionnaires was male, I suspect white, middle class lower management male and the conversion from the American to the British market was very shoddy.
4. I found the questions that gave a, b,c options gave a more true outline of me than the yes/no/don't know ones - but the latter had the most obvious of the bias outlined in 3 which would explain a lot.
5. I have no interest in the IQ tests - I gave up even trying them. This is slightly concerning as these are the kind of things potential employer tests are more likely to be, however I have always had little patience with these in newspapers etc. I did one spacial reasoning one (score - average) looked at the beginning of the logic one and gave up at that point. Shortly before this I had worked out 3 above and I suspect lost confidence in the validity of the book temporarily.

The above aside I do feel I have explored quite a lot about myself - the very surprised reactions of my partner and my housemate when told some of the results (especially ones I felt showed the underlying me rather than the public me) was enlightening - my housemate was somewhat sniffy about it all, "how do you fall into the average range on so many things? Seems wrong to me" and my partner was just plain "oh but it would be nice to think of you as..." unconstructive, although we did have an interesting discussion or two spinning off from the interpretation of things.

So what did I find...
Well in the pick which word describes you best tests I agreed strongly with the results - borderline balance/weak personality - key words both fitted, especially the "you are not exploring your potential to the full" (recurring theme it then transpires)
I scored as highly emotional - well yes in terms of this I was - however I haven't perceived myself as such because I'm not demonstrative, it puts a lot of my confusions into perspective. I think I should stop seeing myself as such a cold fish. However in the yes/no/don't know format I'm average emotional.
I scored less than satisfied with my life - at odds with much of the rest of the tests, but I think I most definitely am, mostly because the learning curve I'm on via this course has shown me how far short I am falling on potential so am at a turning point in life...
The next batch of tests were the pick a, b,c variety. These were useful -
confidence - generally OK and +ve. Tact - borderline extremely tactful! Really - I tend to remember the times I drop clangers and think of myself as being tactless, when in fact "direct" would be a better descriptor. I forget that yes, in the main, I am very considerate, and can be the soul of discretion and I do get upset at hurting other peoples feelings.
Came out as dead centre bi-lateral brain (see other section on feelings about right/left brain). This comments section was useful as it pointed out the problems of this - without the dominance of one side it is sometimes hard to interpret the wealth of data as nothing is dismissed, however it helps to see both the big picture and the details and helps widen options and give flexibility. Perhaps some day I should work on how to switch on and off the different modes...
Success - average potential, something to work on, average risk taker. Average saint/sinner - living life in the middle of right and wrong. Average night/day party person. Average imagination (it's what I think I am, just not what others say I am with their accusations of flights of fancy)
Shrinking Violet!!! Well, but again in terms of this yes I am - I just have the Mask that puts me to the fore. I think that the confidence issues skewed this one. Was average aggression which fits with the low "placid" on the assertiveness scores - This is me after 2 years work on that...
Optimism - mid band realist apparently Yeh! Sod all those people who say I'm a hopeless optimist, I always knew I had a realistic view of the world, just on the sunny edge of it that. I have above average humour, average worrier along with this.
I'm somewhat absent minded (yes, but it's random, in other respects I'm stunningly organised)
Aggression - generally on passive side, although can drag it up if necessary -
leadership qualities good - Conscientious team-player, patient, philosophical, I'd agree (words for the skills profile, that I wouldn't necessarily have identified otherwise)
Right Job? - bizarrely yes! However another one showed I liked to work, also it reminded me that yes I do actually like my job, I just recognise that I not really stretching myself and will start to regret it in a few years if I settle for this long term, the stagnation and if onlys will overwhelm me one day. Not very ambitious doesn't help I guess
Strong Sense of justice - yes I agree, however it says I'm average honesty/honorable and above average tolerance
It suggested I was very relaxed - clearly in big picture mode when answering that one!
Didn't try the creativity stuff - says a lot really! - the yes/no/don't know said slightly below average on this one.

Conclusions:
I think that it was a useful exercise despite my reservations about the validity of the tests. I got to circle lots of things and check of the results that suggest I'm pretty well balanced, I have areas to develop to fulfill my potential and I have lots of positive traits. No ones going to sell me many magazines exploiting my insecurities on this one. Maybe the gender bias worked in my favour after all... Seriously I have lots of food for thought and a healthy positive attitude to myself has been set to start the next bit - the skills profile. Very different from the one I had 3 days ago, and that is very very important. I really was not in a sensible place to do myself justice. And I also have a nice little exercise to look back on when I get attacks of inadequacy and "oh I don't want to think I'm that different" in future. RESULT!

Progress at last

I have just had a stunningly productive time! After days of prevarication and hours today of "how the hell do I tackle this" I feel that this evening I have made massive progress. I have been doing the learning statement for the MIE assignment and had done about 3/4 of the first draft. Now I know this is still a significant shortfall (for a start it's well over wordcount) but I have identified several areas of further research, I am all enthused about my own personal development again, after days of feeling crappy, and I have realised that I have in fact learned a phenomenal amount over the last 3 months. I plan to draw up a lovely list of things I want to know more about - and at the moment everything is on it. Then the list will be altered when the course is over, the new job is found and it split according to things I need to know more about very quickly in this new demanding role, in line with my newfound self confidence (as opposed to the pretend self confidence I have been using to get by with all these years)

Assignment frenzy new year

Well it's a new year and so in theory my marketing assignment should be in the bag and MIE pretty much there to hand in all tomorrow. Sadly the progress is less advanced.
Marketing assignment is virtually done - appendices to be collected from work on Wednesday, Print on quality paper and final read through and any edits required to be done tomorrow.
MIE however is a long way off completion. Why is it so difficult to even start on this working business? Each day I have spend at least 2 hours from the point at which work was due to start to actual starting. Then far more interruptions have been created. Therefore I've completed marketing today not last Thursday. I feel this shows a time management issue. I don't have a sense that "it is impossible to complete within the time frame" so I fritter time, presumably to enhance my sense of panic, however I already know that I won't be doing myself justice. It is to a certain extent the eating of the frog loved by Brian Tracy. The first steps - identifying the areas to focus on have yet to be carried out - breaking it down into manageable chunks. See I know my time management theory, it the practice I'm not so happy with!

I have found that I'm not engaging with the consequences of my actions. I know that having been poorly and not completely over that is a demotivating factor, however I have not managed to put those feelings on one side. I wonder if it would be different if I felt what I was doing was for work? The whole self esteem thing - it's more valid if it's for others - seems to be having it's evil effects again. I do very much feel this course is about me and my next job and not about my current work, even though I do seem to be applying a lot of my learning to this post, however there is a recognition by others issue around that (in that I don't think others recognise that I am bringing more to the workplace).

I am feeling very disengaged with work so perhaps that is part of the problem. I need to look into how I can re-engage over the next few weeks otherwise I'm going to become increasingly unhappy. This is already impacting on my engagement with life outside the workplace and I am fairly certain it is that, not just the general time of the year, being poorly, weather is miserable, want to curl up and hibernate feeling.
I have realised that my next post is not likely to be in a child centred environment however it will be utilising my Administration and management skills. I need to find a way to balance my sense of "not wanting to work in this culture again" with "I want to do the general office management things" Perhaps I should use my journal over the next few months to focus on "what I can take from this job and utilize in the next one" and "what I can put on one side from this job and not allow it to impact on my out of work life" rather than continuing in my current unconstructive "I don't like rather a lot of stuff around childcare that seems to be a required view of my colleagues" thinking. Focus on what the job itself is, rather than what the organisation is about.

Assignment frenzy day 2

Not very frenzied as yet. I have a problem. I don't seem to have grasped exactly what the 5 topic headings in the Marketing assignment mean which is making it very difficult to address them. I have lots of stuff about my org and not very much about references, which comes back to the lack of grasp. DOH! If only he had used these headings at some point in the lecture course, if only they were in the glossaries of some of the text books! I am beginning to wade in treacle. It's quite bizarre that doing my MIE assignment is being reserved as a reward for achieving some of the marketing one!

I appear to have lost the CV print out and stuff so far on the MIE though... And a rather important bit of the assignment brief... Like the bit that says how many learning logs. Now I think that's not written down, I think we had a conversation that basically said "take about 8 of the core issues and explore them as learning experiences" . Why is it that that which seems so clear at the time becomes so confused as the assignment deadline approaches? Is that why people who learn from experience seem to suffer so much less than people who do courses? Or is it just that people who do courses have a lot more clarity about what they have learned because they have been more systematic in their methods? However reading the assignment assessment criteria really has left me well in the dark! I feel a break is required and a new start tomorrow! Yes have managed to get the 1st slideshow off webct and it gives me some clues. However these clues suggest that the learning logs for the assignment should be different from the actual learning log here and should be ones created specifically for the purpose of handing in. Hmm the war of "useful learning tools" and "tools to pass assignments" always rears it's ugly head somewhere...