Cert Man journey

The results (for completeness)

2005-07-10T12:21:00.000Z

Well I have my results now - a very respectable 65% grade average gives me a Pass with Merit. I am very pleased with myself: grade for the module this was for is 62% overall. And that is the end of this blog!

Residential

2005-05-08T22:18:00.000Z

On my return from the residential I can say I have learned
I can contribute to a group as an equal not just as the minuter
I am clearly as bright as everyone else on the course
I no longer need to do everything just to fit in
I am good at quite a lot of things
I get impatient with crap music through tinny speakers
I like a group that banters and swears
I find it easier to be in a group that negotiates
Not all groups need a leader if everyone is willing to take the lead - this only works where full honest negotiation has been agreed
YOu can agree to differ and continue
I'm not very good at not being the person presenting the results... I find it unsettling (because I usually am)
What a lot to have learned. I feel pretty darn good about Iola, she needs to get on with thinking about her future now... after Wednesday when I hand in the assignments of course...

2nd Assignment Frenzy

2005-05-01T12:08:00.001Z

Well I didn't learn last time and we have assignment phrenzy all over again. I took a week off to do assignments a couple of weeks ago but I didn't achieve as much as I'd hoped. I am now pleased to say that I have done as much as I'm going to do on the Finance assignment. It sits pristine waiting to be photocopied on tuesday at work and then I can submit it the following monday. There is logic in this - we have a residential for 3 days this week and if something comes up there I may have to alter the damn things but hopefully not.

I am now trying to finalise my Operations management one. This is a pig. I sent a chunk in for review and got back some very depressing feedback - and then my checking that "is it currently a fail" has not been responded to... Well the tutor has got the completely wrong idea about why I'm doing this so I've tried to clear that up. She referred me to the vast tracts of research about sure start project working with other organisations.... Yes we do that bit pretty well actually its the whole internal bit we have issues with. So I now refer to all this research as "we can do this bit, so why don't we do this bit?"

The Business Environment assignment is lurking in a dubious state. I've done lots of writing and suggested to myself the kind of materials it's drawing from. Just need to find these materials and cut down bunches of stuff and put in some more academic kind of references. Thats all HA HA Hopefully a days work tomorrow.

What have I learned from all this?

well 1. bank holidays are indeed for doing course work - I've been doing this for the last 10 years, since 1993 and the NVQ portfolio, the 1st teaching qual year, the 7307, then the2 years of PGCE, now I'm doing this. Guess what every year I spend it doing things that, because I have to study them, I'm no longer interested in them. And this is the first year I have recognised that I'm just not going to change am I? If I have to do it for a certificate the goal is the certificate and I no longer enjoy it.
2. Therefore I should stop chasing certificates - I was interested in this stuff before I started the course (and I recognise that I will be interested again once it is over) therefore DONT DO THE COURSES! Certificates clearly do not show you know stuff.
3. I resent study. I get angry at having to do it to the exclusion of all else.
4. I enjoy learning stuff for the fun of it, I enjoy following the tangents, I enjoy the mianderings but I have no time for Academic rigour. I like stuff to be well researched for me, not doing the research myself, I am a consumer of knowledge not a distiller of it.

5. I now have the confidence (see all that stuff from last novemeber) in myself to realise that I am bright, the bits of paper don't make me bright. I just need to go out there and do it. All the study actually undermines my sense of self. Because people come back and say "have you looked at ..." I interpret that as "they are so much better than you we want you to be like that" but it actually means "they've spent more time working at it and found out X. You can utilise this."

6. I no longer have any respect for my boss. He has started to use my coursework as a way to remind me I'm not ready to move on to a new job yet. When I suggested I may have time to look around once it's complete he got very "but lets not put the cart before the horse" he knows I'm ready to move on, but rather than encourage me (right oh get your skates on, I need to be able to find someone who is committed to us, as Carol did) he's taking the try to get her to stay option. I know it would be easy - 6 months of drifting on having an easy time...but then I'd have the whole self doubt start up and the added moral dilemna of "well there is only a short while to run on your contact now. How will they find a good replacement, how can you leave them in the lurch?"
7. I can use reflection to avoid work...

Psychological testing

2005-01-09T18:25:00.000Z

This afternoon I have been reading a book called"Understanding Psychological Testing" by Charles Jackson (1996, Leicester, BPS Books) (WHY didn't I use this format at the beginning of every journal entry based on my reading?)

I wanted to explore a bit more about the validity and methodology of these, especially after my test(wrong it's questionnaire) frenzy last week, and the impressions I was getting. Well good to know the brain is in gear because the gender/ethnocientric/class/bias issues that I raised are all in there - and signposted as areas of concern. My views on validity matched those raised, in fact I think that most of the book was an expansion on what I feel is common sense.

One useful point was the definitions - a psychometric test is one where the higher the score the "better the performance" the kind of thing that I think of when someone says there was a test as part of an interview process. A psychometric questionnaire is the kind of thing I was doing where there is no right/wrong you are exploring your personality. Another was the time scale for validity of use - for adults a test/quest. Done more than a year ago is no longer a fair representation, for children about 6 months. This puts a whole new light on any workplace tests such as the ones we looked at in the class, where the employer categorised a persons training opportunities on the results of a psychological test. A third issue was the one I raised about how do you know a test is rigorously researched - and the fact that it's expensive devising the kind of recruitment tests and training people to facilitate them so tests continue to be used even once their validity is brought into question.

I don't think my views on these have altered - in the main they are very useful for people self testing/starting courses of professional coaching/therapy or similar, but they are personal. For recruitment purposes if you are a large organisation with the financial resources to be sure your have bought and are upgrading the most valid product for your purposes I'm certain they have a place, however the 1 year rule must stand and to refer to an out of date test on someone's file would be as unfair as referring to a spent disciplinary record when looking at staff development/promotion prospects.

Stress

2005-01-09T10:46:00.000Z

Over breakfast I have been skimming a book called "Stress" by Tom Cox (1978, London, the MacMillan Press Ltd). This was quite enlightening - it's drawing on research from 30 years ago, mostly from the time of the early 70s recession. There was a bunch of stuff about how do you define stress and the conclusion was
"Stress, it is argued, can only be sensibly defined as a perceptual phenomenon arising from a comparison between the demand on the person and his ability to cope. An imbalance in this mechanism, when coping is important, gives rise to the experience of stress, and to stress response. The latter represent attempts at coping with the source of stress. Coping is both psychological (involving cognitive and behavioural strategies) and physiological. If normal coping is ineffective, stress is prolonged and abnormal responses may occur. The occurrence of these, and prolonged exposure to stress per se, may give rise to functional and structural damage. The progress of these events is subject to great individual variation."

I have to say that I couldn't agree more this was most definitely my experience of negative stress. Further on it compares the human experience of stress where a little bit enhances performance, then you get wobbly then you crash with the stress curve of metals. Interesting, and of course looking back at my materials science days how very true - it is indeed exactly the same, and of course there are treatments you give to different metals that can improve their stress resistance. I like cool analogies.

The chapter on work place stress was interesting because it focused on the stress of unskilled production line jobs. I remember in my shredding books days thinking about how some of my colleagues coped (I did because I knew I was off back to college in 9 months to do a PGCE in Primary Ed so it was only temporary) and realising that the only way was by switching off their brains and becoming thick - and I thought there but for the grace go I... Exactly what this book reported, how the end result of this switch off was lots of physiological responses to stress as the brain shut down the body became ill.

Then I thought about some of my other colleagues - it was 1991 and ectasy was just taking off - and wondered why they did the drugs they did at weekends thinking - why wipe yourself out for a week for 1 night of fun? - and I realised again it was their way of coping with the tedium of life, having a mind numbing job all week isn't so bad if you have already numbed your mind till Wednesday on a Friday/Saturday night. That was also the time of Trainspotting and the recognition that Heroin/crack use is frequently tied to low hope of improvement in life quality. For years this has left me wondering why do people with higher powered jobs - ones giving more challenges etc - still do the recreational drugs at the weekend, but of course if the boredom I saw is stress and the need for release of people with a "stressy" job is a release the same coping mechanism is being applied. I know the rationale for illegal drug use won't be the same for everyone but it is something to have in the back of ones mind if you ever are in a situation when it becomes apparent a member of your team is doing these things.

Another area of discussion was the Man-job fit model for overcoming work place stress. This was very interesting because it is a person centred approach to jobs rather than an organisation centred approach - the costs are higher (so either you make less profit or charge more for your goods) but the people are happier - what price on your staff wellbeing. As society changes will individuals come to terms with the concept "my DVD player should cost more so the workforce are healthier?"

Assignment frenzy 2 days to hand in

2005-01-09T10:31:00.000Z

Well it would have been if I'd done this last night when I finished the critique of my CV. There was something very cathartic about doing that. It's as if by bringing memories up to the surface then commenting on them to draw something positive you close the door on that bit of time. I am slightly concerned about the levels of repetition I'm feeling about the phrases "next job" and "when I was teaching" however as "next job" is ultimately what this course has become about, as it has become apparent than internal upward development is limited, and as "when I was teaching" was the career I invested a lot in but it was not the right one plus there are a lot of things learned from that experience I feel it is inevitable.

I definitely made the right move with all those psychometric tests then the skills check - very positive about my skills I was when doing that. It is hard for us all to appreciate that what we do is good when it's what we do all the time. If you do it all the time that becomes your average and as you are more aware of your own efforts, or in my case don't see anyone who does similar work, you loose the perspective on what you do. It was also interesting finding the skills analysis I'd done in the autumn - where my skills listing done on the Leeds met site came out as "you need to work on all these areas to apply for graduate jobs" then I did a similar one this week, I don't think I've developed in those areas in 2 months, just my realisation of my abilities has improved.

Whether what I have done is correct for the assignment of course remains to be seen, however what I have done is create a very useful bank of data for myself which ultimately is probably more important. Achieving the exams is nice (and gets the funding for the university so that they can continue teaching other people and so on and business cycle) but perhaps I am finally getting to grips with the fact that learning is the goal not the bit of paper that indicates someone has tried to get me to learn something. That's an intriguing concept - is a qualification evidence of learning or evidence of someone attempting to help you to learn something?

Assignment frenzy 3 days to planned hand in...

2005-01-07T22:01:00.000Z

I have spent the last 3 days doing lots of psychometric tests. I found "Psychometric Testing, 1000 ways to assess your personality, creativity, intelligence and lateral thinking" by Philip Carter and Ken Russell in the library on Tuesday and had a go with regard to my Personal Development portfolio... And have learned some intriguing things:
1. You come across a load of stuff like this in Women's and health and "awareness" magazines, I generally approach them with the attitude "something to do, but of course take the results with a pinch of salt as the science behind the tests is probably not very rigorous and at the end of the day they are likely to be preying on people's insecurities to try and sell more magazines" However I just assumed because this book came out of the university library the science would be valid, and the tests fair and have realistic results - no references at the back no author profile at the front - from a series of books "the IQ workout series" that's all I know. So why? Does this make them invalid I wondered? At this point I guess I could have given up but they are kind of addictive so I continued.
2. As the assumption is you are doing these tests to get a genuine profile they do not hid the questions that are going to give you obvious outcomes - makes marking nice and easy and reinforces the fact that you are doing this for yourself not to compare with others - plus I felt the lack of hiding made me more comfortable that there were no rights and wrongs - although the titles said what the test was about and sometimes you felt "well I'd like to be..." So it was tempting to tweak the answers.
3. As I worked my way through the tests I started to notice a clear gender bias... It was definitely assumed that the person completing the questionnaires was male, I suspect white, middle class lower management male and the conversion from the American to the British market was very shoddy.
4. I found the questions that gave a, b,c options gave a more true outline of me than the yes/no/don't know ones - but the latter had the most obvious of the bias outlined in 3 which would explain a lot.
5. I have no interest in the IQ tests - I gave up even trying them. This is slightly concerning as these are the kind of things potential employer tests are more likely to be, however I have always had little patience with these in newspapers etc. I did one spacial reasoning one (score - average) looked at the beginning of the logic one and gave up at that point. Shortly before this I had worked out 3 above and I suspect lost confidence in the validity of the book temporarily.

The above aside I do feel I have explored quite a lot about myself - the very surprised reactions of my partner and my housemate when told some of the results (especially ones I felt showed the underlying me rather than the public me) was enlightening - my housemate was somewhat sniffy about it all, "how do you fall into the average range on so many things? Seems wrong to me" and my partner was just plain "oh but it would be nice to think of you as..." unconstructive, although we did have an interesting discussion or two spinning off from the interpretation of things.

So what did I find...
Well in the pick which word describes you best tests I agreed strongly with the results - borderline balance/weak personality - key words both fitted, especially the "you are not exploring your potential to the full" (recurring theme it then transpires)
I scored as highly emotional - well yes in terms of this I was - however I haven't perceived myself as such because I'm not demonstrative, it puts a lot of my confusions into perspective. I think I should stop seeing myself as such a cold fish. However in the yes/no/don't know format I'm average emotional.
I scored less than satisfied with my life - at odds with much of the rest of the tests, but I think I most definitely am, mostly because the learning curve I'm on via this course has shown me how far short I am falling on potential so am at a turning point in life...
The next batch of tests were the pick a, b,c variety. These were useful -
confidence - generally OK and +ve. Tact - borderline extremely tactful! Really - I tend to remember the times I drop clangers and think of myself as being tactless, when in fact "direct" would be a better descriptor. I forget that yes, in the main, I am very considerate, and can be the soul of discretion and I do get upset at hurting other peoples feelings.
Came out as dead centre bi-lateral brain (see other section on feelings about right/left brain). This comments section was useful as it pointed out the problems of this - without the dominance of one side it is sometimes hard to interpret the wealth of data as nothing is dismissed, however it helps to see both the big picture and the details and helps widen options and give flexibility. Perhaps some day I should work on how to switch on and off the different modes...
Success - average potential, something to work on, average risk taker. Average saint/sinner - living life in the middle of right and wrong. Average night/day party person. Average imagination (it's what I think I am, just not what others say I am with their accusations of flights of fancy)
Shrinking Violet!!! Well, but again in terms of this yes I am - I just have the Mask that puts me to the fore. I think that the confidence issues skewed this one. Was average aggression which fits with the low "placid" on the assertiveness scores - This is me after 2 years work on that...
Optimism - mid band realist apparently Yeh! Sod all those people who say I'm a hopeless optimist, I always knew I had a realistic view of the world, just on the sunny edge of it that. I have above average humour, average worrier along with this.
I'm somewhat absent minded (yes, but it's random, in other respects I'm stunningly organised)
Aggression - generally on passive side, although can drag it up if necessary -
leadership qualities good - Conscientious team-player, patient, philosophical, I'd agree (words for the skills profile, that I wouldn't necessarily have identified otherwise)
Right Job? - bizarrely yes! However another one showed I liked to work, also it reminded me that yes I do actually like my job, I just recognise that I not really stretching myself and will start to regret it in a few years if I settle for this long term, the stagnation and if onlys will overwhelm me one day. Not very ambitious doesn't help I guess
Strong Sense of justice - yes I agree, however it says I'm average honesty/honorable and above average tolerance
It suggested I was very relaxed - clearly in big picture mode when answering that one!
Didn't try the creativity stuff - says a lot really! - the yes/no/don't know said slightly below average on this one.

Conclusions:
I think that it was a useful exercise despite my reservations about the validity of the tests. I got to circle lots of things and check of the results that suggest I'm pretty well balanced, I have areas to develop to fulfill my potential and I have lots of positive traits. No ones going to sell me many magazines exploiting my insecurities on this one. Maybe the gender bias worked in my favour after all... Seriously I have lots of food for thought and a healthy positive attitude to myself has been set to start the next bit - the skills profile. Very different from the one I had 3 days ago, and that is very very important. I really was not in a sensible place to do myself justice. And I also have a nice little exercise to look back on when I get attacks of inadequacy and "oh I don't want to think I'm that different" in future. RESULT!

Progress at last

2005-01-03T23:45:00.000Z

I have just had a stunningly productive time! After days of prevarication and hours today of "how the hell do I tackle this" I feel that this evening I have made massive progress. I have been doing the learning statement for the MIE assignment and had done about 3/4 of the first draft. Now I know this is still a significant shortfall (for a start it's well over wordcount) but I have identified several areas of further research, I am all enthused about my own personal development again, after days of feeling crappy, and I have realised that I have in fact learned a phenomenal amount over the last 3 months. I plan to draw up a lovely list of things I want to know more about - and at the moment everything is on it. Then the list will be altered when the course is over, the new job is found and it split according to things I need to know more about very quickly in this new demanding role, in line with my newfound self confidence (as opposed to the pretend self confidence I have been using to get by with all these years)

Assignment frenzy new year

2005-01-03T13:19:00.000Z

Well it's a new year and so in theory my marketing assignment should be in the bag and MIE pretty much there to hand in all tomorrow. Sadly the progress is less advanced.
Marketing assignment is virtually done - appendices to be collected from work on Wednesday, Print on quality paper and final read through and any edits required to be done tomorrow.
MIE however is a long way off completion. Why is it so difficult to even start on this working business? Each day I have spend at least 2 hours from the point at which work was due to start to actual starting. Then far more interruptions have been created. Therefore I've completed marketing today not last Thursday. I feel this shows a time management issue. I don't have a sense that "it is impossible to complete within the time frame" so I fritter time, presumably to enhance my sense of panic, however I already know that I won't be doing myself justice. It is to a certain extent the eating of the frog loved by Brian Tracy. The first steps - identifying the areas to focus on have yet to be carried out - breaking it down into manageable chunks. See I know my time management theory, it the practice I'm not so happy with!

I have found that I'm not engaging with the consequences of my actions. I know that having been poorly and not completely over that is a demotivating factor, however I have not managed to put those feelings on one side. I wonder if it would be different if I felt what I was doing was for work? The whole self esteem thing - it's more valid if it's for others - seems to be having it's evil effects again. I do very much feel this course is about me and my next job and not about my current work, even though I do seem to be applying a lot of my learning to this post, however there is a recognition by others issue around that (in that I don't think others recognise that I am bringing more to the workplace).

I am feeling very disengaged with work so perhaps that is part of the problem. I need to look into how I can re-engage over the next few weeks otherwise I'm going to become increasingly unhappy. This is already impacting on my engagement with life outside the workplace and I am fairly certain it is that, not just the general time of the year, being poorly, weather is miserable, want to curl up and hibernate feeling.
I have realised that my next post is not likely to be in a child centred environment however it will be utilising my Administration and management skills. I need to find a way to balance my sense of "not wanting to work in this culture again" with "I want to do the general office management things" Perhaps I should use my journal over the next few months to focus on "what I can take from this job and utilize in the next one" and "what I can put on one side from this job and not allow it to impact on my out of work life" rather than continuing in my current unconstructive "I don't like rather a lot of stuff around childcare that seems to be a required view of my colleagues" thinking. Focus on what the job itself is, rather than what the organisation is about.

Assignment frenzy day 2

2004-12-29T17:02:00.000Z

Not very frenzied as yet. I have a problem. I don't seem to have grasped exactly what the 5 topic headings in the Marketing assignment mean which is making it very difficult to address them. I have lots of stuff about my org and not very much about references, which comes back to the lack of grasp. DOH! If only he had used these headings at some point in the lecture course, if only they were in the glossaries of some of the text books! I am beginning to wade in treacle. It's quite bizarre that doing my MIE assignment is being reserved as a reward for achieving some of the marketing one!

I appear to have lost the CV print out and stuff so far on the MIE though... And a rather important bit of the assignment brief... Like the bit that says how many learning logs. Now I think that's not written down, I think we had a conversation that basically said "take about 8 of the core issues and explore them as learning experiences" . Why is it that that which seems so clear at the time becomes so confused as the assignment deadline approaches? Is that why people who learn from experience seem to suffer so much less than people who do courses? Or is it just that people who do courses have a lot more clarity about what they have learned because they have been more systematic in their methods? However reading the assignment assessment criteria really has left me well in the dark! I feel a break is required and a new start tomorrow! Yes have managed to get the 1st slideshow off webct and it gives me some clues. However these clues suggest that the learning logs for the assignment should be different from the actual learning log here and should be ones created specifically for the purpose of handing in. Hmm the war of "useful learning tools" and "tools to pass assignments" always rears it's ugly head somewhere...

Assignment frenzy to start...

2004-12-28T11:34:00.000Z

Today the assignment frenzy should start. However so far I am calm. The cold that caused a week off work is still not completely clear. The trauma of Christmas is nearly over, I am no longer stressed anyway and have spent one of the gifts on decent music that should arrive in time to reward me for assignment completion. I have of course done thinking, which is kind of like planning but less focused. We therefore have "one of the key areas to look at in the MIE assignment is Self Esteme" we have the key trigger event - the Supervision on 12th November. We have the initial refelection from 15th nov, the flash of insipriation recorded 16th November, I need to revisit the work from the lectures we did early on that I recollect annoyed me so much in my "yes I have low self esteme and live with it WHY is this a problem mode" and probably need to read a bit futher to tie it up but today it is the 1/2 way house point. How am I a month on? I feel the truth has begun to be asymaltated into my life. Without this course I am not convinced I'd have had the inspiration - whilst the trigger was the supervision, the cause of the trigger was course related. I am of course wildly frustrated by it as I want to move on imediately and find something to stretch me but also really rather pleased that I am forced to bathe in the release for a while, not something we tend to allow ourselves to do enough. I'm also of the mind that being forced to stay in the same place will consolidate the realisation that I am good enough to do more demanding things and so when I do so the foundations will be secure enough to keep moving forward. I suspect the whole "I'll never be a good enough teacher so I broke" life phase may have suffered from the lack of confidence in the foundations.

Had a massive relapse over the Xmas period - cold infested as I was and meeting the chaps parents for the first time. I did the twittering on thing that is my barrier against the world thing rather excessively but I am afraid they have not made sufficiently good an impression on me to think that warrents too much concern. Clearly they love their son to bits, clearly they are of the "my hobbies are valid, yours are teenage ones to be grown out of" school of thinking, clearly they suffer from "academia is a superior profession to all others" (what is it about non and late graduates which makes so many of them fail to see that all professions are equally valid and the job of analyising data on health is no less a worthwhile job than a statistical analysis of Tony's MPs rebellions?). However they have made me realise that my parents have a lot of bonuses over many - like they do not troop out stories of what I did as a child and then proceed to treat me as that age of child until the next story from a different age comes out. I was massively releived when they left as I no longer felt I should be proving myself worthy, which was never going to be possible. But of course I am, and who are they to judge? I suspect the whole parents visiting may put a blip in the personal life that can just wait until coursework is over. If it doesn't then the personal life fails a key test and will not be perservered with.

week 12 lessons

2004-12-14T21:57:00.000Z

Not really lessons today. We had a tutorial on data - that was useful in the "make Iola feel she's got a better grip than others" sense but in the "make Iola feel she actually knows what is going on" sense was a bit lacking - poor others! Then had Data lecture - that was very useful - project planning and gant charts hold little fear for me now (clearly I'm derranged). A quick run through of the exam paper by the tutor in his "I'm only looking at this now" and "it would appear these are the topics you need to focus on over Xmas" was quite reassuring - I think the headache was getting quite bad at that point so I may have been missunderstanding however.

Then had a "module review" with Helen of the MIE module. This was actually far more positive than I had anticiapted. I was under the impression that many people were a lot more unhappy than they let on. I was reassured that I wasn't the only one who had learnt a lot but maybe had found it hard learning in places. This education business is a lark - there's no predicting what people will say. Sadly I do have an awful lot to do over the Xmas period to get the assignments in and have also got a blinding headache so the reflection is pretty poor here. Tomorrow between wrapping presents for the post I think finding assignment briefs and making a plan may be in order!

unreflective

2004-12-08T21:14:00.000Z

Hmmm it would appear I have been remiss for a while. I keep meaning to write after school at least but it just slips away. Yesterday we had the last session of Marketing and the last session of MIE (next week its a course review for MIE) Marketing really is still all very vague. I'm going for the "this is what Sure Start Burley is about, this is what we do, this is what we could do better" kind of approach I think. I'd renew all the books I took out of the library but the website is down so there may be a problem or 2 there. Just to throw extra issues into the marketing mix (ha) the new "Everychildmatters" stuff came out last week that changes where we are going in the next few years so long term planning will be interesting. Who says public sector isn't at the cutting edge of go getting marketing? If I stop having to sell services about children will it make me dislike them any less? I've noticed a marked increase in my child hatred since I planned my marketing assignment... "Children - beat them 3 times a day whether they need it or not" is not an advertising slogan I'm going to be alowed to use is it? Nor "Defy reality bring your children up without state intervention" .

MIE is another mine field. Was greatly entertained last week by one of our groups take on assertiveness/aggression. Different contexts different behaviour comes to mind. This week we did stuff about stress. The health questionnaire and it's "stress indicators" seemed a bit off the mark to me. Is "finding it hard to get out of bed on a morning" really a stress indicator? - I can never get up within 15 mins of the alarm but that's just sleepy not stressed. If it said "do you find it hard to get out of bed on due to your anticipation of the days events" I could understand. Several of the "stress" symptoms seem to me things that are going to happen once a month for most women of childbearing age. Others seemed to be quite seasonal - I feel gloomy quite a lot but I suspect it's mainly due to the time of year, Xmas coming and the festival of consumerism (agravated this year by doing a Marketing module I fear), combined with the cold, damp and grey really aren't going to put a happy spring in a reptiles step (OK so I'm not a reptile but I seem to react to cold like one)

I guess my take on stress is still jaundiced from previous experience "have you found yourself thinking about suicide as a rational solution to your workload recently?" being my "I am too stressed" indicator probably is a bit extreme but hey - that's teaching for you, it just seemed normal at the time. The more I ask people who teach in 2ndary education and FE/have taught the more I find this is normal behaviour for that profession. That's why so many of us leave, we realise it is not right. I still feel having been there has it's plus - no matter how glum you feel because it's wet, cold, december and you haven't motivated yourself to do your marketing assignment (again) there is always the silver lining "at least I'm still here to feel glum and see the wet and the cold".

Poor Helen - she tried to liven things up with a video last night that had potential - understanding how to use others' stress to improve performance. Sadly the quality sucked and instead of going for the "right the pictures are too appauling but the verbal element is what is important so I'm going to switch off the visuals and play the soundtrack" option she left the pictures running (not that it was necessarily possible to do audio without visual I guess). Everyone was a picture of switched off at the end. It was heavy going, I zoned out a lot (that and the fact that it was some fat american bloke telling you how to be a better sports coach ... I thought americans didn't do irony) but the points behind it about winding up, focus and winding people down were interesting and as a manager could have lots of applications.

I think I am in a frustrating place now with the MIE stuff. I've put enough distance in on it to want to be in a position to apply it but I need to move on work wise to do so. However I need to stay here to complete the course and I'm getting more and more sense of "I'm bored now, want to play somewhere else". Consolidation is the key - and practicing delegation and explanation on my minion I guess.

Last week got to be one of the clever kids at data analysis - I seem to be able to follow the explanations OK but I'm not convinced I could do it myself. Luckily we have a bunch of extra sessions to go. Fingers crossed all will be well.

I have seen the light!

2004-11-16T15:00:00.000Z

I had a blinding flash of inspiration last night - as I've been trying to work out why I have this whole underlying "I'm not good enough" thing and have been wondering "good enough for what? By whose standards?" and so forth. As I understand it most people get this from parents but mine don't really undermine us very much - Mr Man thinks we are fabulous and is forever supportive and JM thinks we are better than her and, for all she responds to anything her kids tell her with a story about someone else who has done similar if not better, she doesn't indulge in the "haven't you lost weight, only a stone to go dear" behaviour of many of the mums of friends of mine (who have far closer relationships).

Anyway the blinding realisation - I spend 13 years of my life in an environment where I was continually aware that I was scum because I wasn't Scottish. 6 hours a day, 5 days a week 40 weeks of the year, spent at school, it's bound to create an issue or two for a child. I then moved to England in the hope of freedom from this where I still got grief for another 3 years until I lost all trace of an accent. No wonder I have no memories of that time to speak of! And there we have it - the totally irrational I'm not good enough. Not even enough logic in if for "Good enough for...". I wasn't good enough to be a close friend to, I wasn't good enough to want to socialise outside school with I wasn't good enough to have anything to do with at all if it could possibly be avoided. Sad isn't it that kids are so cruel? Now I think I know where it's come from perhaps it can just start going away again and I can get on with being good enough to be a human being after all (without succumbing to the urge to classify everyone from my school days as scum sucking pond dwellers because I'm good enough not to have to be petty). Just nobody ask me what my views are on devolution for a few months - tow it out and sink it is too good for my Scotland right now.

A catastrophic week

2004-11-15T20:45:00.000Z

This week has been a bag of pooh. Last Tuesdays classes were OK. Marketing usual stuff - and the poor lecturer really hasn't worked out his targeting yet - we had a good 10 minutes sidetrack as he had to explain the imagery about putting salt in a dishwasher (some people were vocal about not understanding this) and why not having to salt was a benefit for a dishwasher - too many of us just don't have this item of white goods. He does seem to be improving however. The course leader then called - he's opened a right can of worms and I've just spent over an hour on my email of feedback - may/may not make an appearance in the journal, I feel it is useful.

MIE well I didn't fully achieve my goal of non contribution but I did better. As usual managed to not make my points clear but hey that's why we need to keep our gob shut. Data was pretty good really - I got my head round regression at the time any way.

My week continued - the mood diary is looking bleak (it was looking empty, you know the classic you only write stuff when you are down? That theory is very much in action here) Supervision on Friday was a traumatic experience. Could have done with a "you tell too many stories and personalise stuff. Please don't do it so much" Rather than the caring sharing "I've been thinking about why you might do this and it's classic low self esteem behaviour but you have no reason to have low self esteem - you are very good at your job and I do wonder why you are doing this when you could do so much more" kind of approach. Ah yes that'll be my crippling low self esteem. Epitomised in the immortal words of Tim Wood "your not good enough" But good enough for what? I'm trying to build a whole new set of foundations to climb on based on the concept that "if you don't know what it is then how can you know what good enough is so you are probably there" Day one and I've not cried today so that's progress. That and 2 new affirmations "Don't say shit, no-one wants to hear it" and "I'm happy and Great, I have something valid to contribute" Yes I know these do not scan and great and contribute don't rhyme but they are good thought blocking dittys. And they potentially contradict but the 1st one is about saying stuff and the second one is about thinking and doing but not about saying.

The mood diary suggests that there may be a hormonal element of my taking things so hard. However there's something else going on that the self esteem revealing stories have been escalating - and I thing that something is MIE. I think a blitz on getting assignments moved on over the next week would be a very sensible move - the sooner I can stop the blues.

This thing has thrown up another can of worms - whilst acknowledging that my absence would be bad for my employer he also indicated I probably need to think about where to next and that may well be around the same time as finishing this course. Now I know that logically I knew that but it escalates the whole where/when/why thing about where to next. Had a great conversation with one of the other students about what her work was about - strategic people management kind of thing. And it is the people stuff that I engage with most, whilst liking the concept of strategic stuff and the whole data handling thing but where does this lead me? I know I don't want to be in a social care/child centred environment (I don't think it's right for me long term) but I'm back to the days of temping and knowing what you don't want to do. Right then with that at the top of my head lets go explore these career thing s for tomorrow MIE!

Mind maps

2004-11-08T22:32:00.000Z

Repeat after me "I must not mention mind maps to anyone, I must not mention mind maps to anyone" I have done something terrible and now if I mention mind maps people start explaining them and talking around them and stuff. It is of course all my own fault. I was trying to get to grips with these about 4 months ago when I read Tony Buzans speed reading book (which of course is now on hold because of this course... That's silly isn't it?) and had a bit of a problem because I wanted an exercise to practice and someone to check it and asked a couple of people who then... Explained what they think of as mind maps, in such a way that I became more confused. I guessed there wasn't a right or wrong way, I just wanted a check that I was pointing in the right direction because it seemed dreadfully complicated trying to do stuff not in lines and lists (because I think in words more than pictures, this is the person who dreams she is reading a newspaper and loathed art with a passion because it was the only thing I was bad at at school and had teachers who deliberately humiliated you, reinforced at university by Dr Hughes and his "you clearly can't see what is in the microscope as you haven't drawn it" battle. Humiliation does scar you badly).
Anyway, on the train on Friday I did the left/right brain exercise and found I fell almost in the centre of the double dominant brain score. Which made sense to me - I'm left handed which seems to force you to be more ambi everything as far as I can see. I have always done what other people call flights of fancy (which I see as logical) as much as logic (which often doesn't seem so to me eg if you miss a step in a mathematically proof it'll usually loose me).

The next section was this mind map thing. I had to stop in the end - the pictures were freaking me out - me and my art trauma thing above, and well you don't really want to end up in tears on a packed out train! Not to mention what the blobby thing that had been drawn to be a centre of your "do a mind map of mind maps" exercise looked like... The clean version is a McDonald's arch over a cesspit - (which to be fair exactly represents a drive thru!) although I did see it as a vagina with B******s hanging out of it prior to this, which is a very disturbing image. So I didn't do the exercise on the train. Nor did I do it on Saturday as the picture tears welled up. I steeled myself this evening and got paper and did it without the pictures. I have now realised that mind maps are partially so useful because you have to redo them so often to render them legible you have done so much repetition that of course it's beginning to stick in your head. You can start to visualise the lists and perhaps there is hope for me yet.

Tried the 2nd exercise of a map of learning development. That has proved harder - partly because I want the neatness of the SWOT (and I don't like having to redo stuff I've done in another format and found useful, because I'm impatient) and partly because I can't think of any other categories to add, and the career thing is rearing it's ugly head again. I don't know! I want to be here to learn stuff so that in a years time I can pull the strands together and think "this is where my career should now head" but I feel that for the sake of this module I need to be thinking "this is where my career should be heading, how do the things I am learning help me" this feels like a closing in path and I want to be on the broadening out path. I think I should bite the bullet and start working to the assignment, get that done then go back to grasping the learning.

Back to the mustn't mention though - my housemate came in from work as I was doing this and threw in some stuff because she remembered I'd had this trauma before, but I've been explaining myself so badly yet again and I sort of felt that I was unraveling, instead of just saying "I can see a use for this" in a closing down conversation tone of voice I do it in an opening up tone of voice and I end up thinking I must have missed the point again somewhere. I don't think I have. I do think that "this is a tool that can be useful, manipulate it how you will" I no longer think mind map says "lists are bad evil and to be avoided". When will I internalise that other people's interpretation is not necessarily the one I should get to grips with? I know logically that just because it's my interpretation doesn't make it less valid, I just don't seem to apply this knowledge. The more I do my course stuff the more I feel I should move away from the hippy stuff and pursue the traditional logic approach, but I can see no other solution than to play an affirmation in my head from now until I accept that my idea can be a valid one. Afterall if I can't accept the possibility that my opinion is worth anything then how can I every manage situations with intergrity (as opposed to the way I currently manage them by pretending to be in charge, applying the "pretend something for long enough people start to believe it rule" as usual). Rats. I want to believe I might be thinking too hard, but I'm afraid I'm not thinking hard enough.

Thankfully the 6 hat stuff makes sense - would love to be in an environment where people could try using it, will just have to try using it on me.

Plan for tomorrow - Don't speak in class, pay attention, shut up and remember just because someone else says it doesn't make it more valid than your opinion. Report back if I succeed.

Noooo!

2004-11-06T18:44:00.000Z

I wrote a massive blog on Thursday evening and as it was saving the system appeared to go horribly wrong. NO thought I IT WILL BE FINE. How very wrong I was. It was a really good bit of Here is the problem, here is what I thought, here is how I rationalised it, here is where to next that was just perfect for the assignment. And it's gone. And the whole thing was very traumatic and do I really have to relive it again?
Hmmm - it was all about last weeks MIE lecture - I got upset, I felt stupid, I worked out that the tutor just has a rather aggressive response style, rather than acknowledging peoples opinions and asking what others think she tends to talk about with whatever she thinks the student has said (which never seems to be what I think the person has said) in a "this is a conflict to be overcome way" rather than a "this is a piece of information to be exchanged" kind of way, and I always make the mistake of contributing and then feeling I am stupid. I decided I should make a conscious decision to contribute less, remember that she may not have contextualised the topic clearly enough for me (eg in this case it was in fact a history of management, not supposed to be new information to be acted on) so I need to take a step back and all will be well. It was a lot better expressed that that. Don't you hate it when you loose an hours work?

Our Data handling lectures are getting trickier but I think I see a direction my career may need to go in next - if I continue to enjoy the concepts of using information for strategic planning...

Spent a lot of today reading "Marketing, Management and strategy by Peter Doyle - This makes sense, Marketing really is just common sense: Plan, adapt and survive, stay customer focused, longer term goals not just short term planning make for long term survival. I have just read the chapter summaries and the 1st couple of chapters but I think I may have to find a "what marketing used to be" text to understand why the newer books we read all seem to take a "Marketing must change" approach.

homework

2004-11-01T22:09:00.000Z

Today I did my sums for Data handling - 2 out of 3, no idea how to do the 3rd. Hmmm this doesn't bode well does it?
Today I did the questionnaires bit in the MIE booklet on management. I need to read the rest of it too but its the classic way your brain interprets something as "unitelligible gobbledegook" when the problem is its "illegible stuff" I'll try again tomorrow. I wonder if reading it out loud would help? The difficulty with the management type stuff is that I don't see how I manage people - I manage the people around me but I don't line manage them. Also there isn't anywhere for me to be promoted to and I am doing the course because I need to find out more stuff before I decide what direction I want to move in, Oh life. It's confusing. I need to be a bit more focused on this - less embrace everything grasp nothing, feel I'm going nowhere fast with it.

Week 5 lectures

2004-10-26T21:46:00.000Z

Today we had 20 minutes of marketing followed by what appeared to be a 1 hour side track. No wonder I haven't been able to make sense of it - as one of the other students said "most of it is common sense, wrapped up in waffle" I'm sure that's not the case really but that's definitely how it seems right now. I think reading the book and working to the assignment is the only positive way forward.

Then we had MIE - I forgot the booklet (although had read the stuff) which made my life tricky. Video of MR Prof Handy (Now my recollection is his books are readable) which was useful about the 4 org cultures (glad I did the questionnaire back in PGCE days - wonder how different the results would be now I am happy at work). Glad we've lost our Dionysus today, and we are small and task oriented and likely to stay that way. Then stuff about 2 other Management theorists. Also got assessment criteria for assignment. Not like assessment criteria I've seen before but I guess I just do my best to produce something that falls in the excellent categories and hopefully I'll succeed in getting somewhere with the results.

Had the issue mentioned previously explained - basically do you have strategies to cope with negative situations that work well by the sounds of things. Best change that then - I think I do pretty well on coping strategies, and the old mood diary is definitely a constructive tool already. (who says having 3 weeks off sick because the contents of your head was so terrifying was a bad experience then? I learned! I left! I do this now, I apply some of the self help books periodically). Tutor exhibited concern about my other weakest point (no career plan) - but we will be doing a related session, and I'll see if I manage to get more constructive and directionful - in theory at least! It's hard to have a career plan when it consists of "consolidate until Mar 2006, do this course, POS 2nd year, like to stay in current post till 2008, won't settle for less than office manager somewhere", does depend on settling of restructures at LCC as that is a possible future, I like to focus on one thing and this year it's this course - it's the first one I've done that I've really been interested in!

Finally we had Data handling - not as hideous as the bus experience had lead me to believe it would be - take it easy, apply the logic and above all remember the golden rule "algebra is a tool to cut through the words to find out the bits of information you need out of all the info you are given" which lets face it I spent 2 years teaching adult numeracy on that basis.

Work stuff is bubbling up - time management still has holes by being too available but what do you do when damage limitation between colleagues is required? Firm but supportive consistent advice (talk to them now, no matter how hard it is - it's got to be better than leaving) is all I can do. That and encourage the other party to be work focused at work no matter how much the outside work stuff sucks (oh and it does - never co parent, never have kids is the lesson from that one). In the meanwhile focus on more jobs done than jobs in so I don't become like the crazy rats in maze type manager that so much of the management theory we read today was about. Tally sheets - giving a girl a great sense of freedom!

Reading on the bus - point to follow up with tutor enc

2004-10-23T13:15:00.000Z

Mega bus - to catch up on all your reading needs!
I used my long bus journey well - reading several of the MIE booklets. Presentations - I wonder do the people who write these (lecturers I'm assuming) not remember that they are continually presenting? Or maybe I've just read too many of these booklets. I know lots of people have a fear of presenting but perhaps if people didn't always start giving you guidance from the "we know you hate it but you have to" stand point and took a "this is a process that it's good to learn to love no matter how you feel now" it would all be more positive. Or maybe I just like standing up and spouting off with an air of authority too much to not be properly prepared. As usual it was a valid expenditure of time as some timely reminders on "don't pack too much in" this time.
Then read the Unit 1 (well we've been told which ones to read for homework, this hadn't come up and I had forgotten to get round to it) booklet which is about - this stuff. Had an interesting time with the "what makes an effective self developer". the lowest scoring items were "Clear realistic aims and career plan" as I'm not really sure. I feel this current role has a year of development to go - along side this course, by which stage I thought I'd start looking at what is out there and in March 2006 when the funding runs out I would have an idea where to next. At them moment there is nowhere to go but consolidate and I'm restarting having given up teaching last year. Perhaps I need to do something sooner, although it does feel like a paper exercise for the purpose of this course. The other item was "Is skilled at Self protection where needed" because I don't know what this means. Nor did my companion. Must follow this up with the tutor.

I now plan to have a 6 week experiment with the personal journal layout they suggest. I think I'll use it to focus on learning around my new minion who starts next week. It'll be odd as I don't think I have a choice about doing it on paper not on a keyboard. Think I may run the structured diary in parallel and continue with this as well, presumeably the discipline of the diary will spill over into this but need to ensure I have as much as possible to draw on for the assignment.

Also did the specified homework reading about "what a manager does" - bit tricky when you have italians doing weird stuff around you - so reread and make the required notes will be necessary. Obviously the literature is talking about someone who is purely a manager not a manager of X so spends some time managing and some time at the bottom of a heap being managed by with responsibilities for other stuff. I am primarily an administrator and I would say about 50% of my time is spend in the way these theorists summarise management but I don't have a person to manage. It has scared me - how would I feel I was achieving anything if my role was like those descriped - there's so little physical output or completion of tasks which is the way I measure my sense of success currently. If I'm not cut out to become a manager does that mean I will be stuck at this level for ever?

Week 4 lessons

2004-10-20T20:21:00.000Z

This week we had more crazy marketing - the video made sense however, and I think reading the book will be helpful. The lecturer gets so lost in his stories that I loose the point I think (that and not knowing what the stories are about a lot of the time, I really don't have a clue do I?)

MIE was interesting - having recovered from the trauma of Sunday/Monday ran through a bunch of the stuff on HRs slides again with a bit of extra explanation and the Kineeky book got several references again, I feel it may have to accompany the coach trip to London this weekend. Then a "when has the halo/etc etc things happened to you" think and then group discussion. I am some kind of terminal optimist despite the evidence to the contrary I think since I go for the +VA spin on all these ways of identifying with people. Not so others but they seem to have "typical"bosses - the ones that do the "fix this, do that, amend the other" with no feedback sandwiches ever (good stuff bad stuff good stuff). The mood diary is progressing - it may be a side experiment but even if it shows me anything it'll be worthwhile. The stop and think isn't doing so well. Must try harder

Post homework trauma

2004-10-18T13:31:00.000Z

Hmmm Yesterdays homework is proving more destructive than initially suspected - thought that the reflection herein would have been a damage limitation but I am still suffering from the "I am worthless, I am ..." sense in the emotional part of my brain which is making a determined effort to block and undermine the logical bit (that is being constructive) which is saying "this doesn't matter as long as you get on with the tasks in hand, complete them and move forward". The biology that is reminding me that fundamentally the only purpose that our bodies are designed to have is as a baby machine, and I have yet to consider this path is for me so the monthly intrusion always causes a "$£$%$," response is a bit of bad timing too. Plus not having a task that I feel completion of which will give me a sense of work based achievement is an agravator. Sadly I have spend far too much of the last 16 hours trying to logic away the damage of 2 hours reading and doing exercises. I did read a bunch of stuff for Data handling after last nights entry that was sufficient a lift to aid untroubled sleep at least.

It would be so easy just to blame the biology for the impatience with it all, is this a cop out or is this a valid course of action? Should I become one of those people who organises themselves around their monthly cycle? Seems ridiculous when I am normally oblivious to any emotional or physical build-up like so many unfortunate people are, Oh no - I do recollect 2 years ago finding the interpersonal issues at work most tearful 4 days before I was due on (in this instance the overwhelming worthless ness starting 1/2 a day before). After 4 months of this I gave up teaching altogether (this had been my try a different type of teaching before I leave the profession I spent the last 3 years battling with so was a last ditch attempt). Something to monitor? I am wary - will I falsely anticipate and create a problem if I am investigating this idea?

Hmm feeling better already - have a potential project - I sense a mood diary coming on!

Developing self awareness homework

2004-10-17T17:45:00.000Z

Well this is a sorry little can of worms to have opened. Today I worked through the homework pack for the session on Tuesday for MIE. There were little exercises that you do and one was "write down the adjectives that describe you" Then there was the question the answer to which indicated that not one of the adjectives I used described how I see me, I'd answered the question "Write down the adjectives that describe how you think other people see you". Which lead to the whole sorry rehashing of the "I feel invisible" self image thing that so much of what I am revolves around. It's not that I don't think I am visible, but that I want my impact on others to be minimal - because that would be suggesting I was actually important. Quite a quandary - of course you want to matter to people, but I don't want to be inconvenient and I only want to have positive impacts on people and ... Hmmm The down side is of course I underestimate me a lot, I probably underachieve considerably and I get wound up about things too much, the up side is I can be mediator and see both sides of an argument very easily. I had forgotten the whole invisible me thing - in my newer more shiny cheery life that I have had recently so it was a surprise to find it is still alive and well lurking in my mind. Probably aggravated by certain amounts of new people of value to my partner not appearing to have warmed to me, and me being a little not sure where I stand with them, and others who have, but my line of connection is still through partner. One of those "it's been 6 months" kind of things.

So self image - not too positive but I'm quite used to living with this - I feel it drives a lot of my thirst for knowledge, however it may block my putting that knowledge to constructive use. Therefore I think the logical thing to do is to put this exploration on the back burner until I complete my PCM otherwise the potential trauma of it's resolution could significantly block the completion of the course - which wouldn't do my self image any good at all!

The final chunk of this work was a lot more positive - it was about how groups interact - public Arena/internal stuff. That was good - could spot people in may teams I have worked in as the extremes of this. Despite my potentially destructive self image I think I have a pretty healthy public arena within the group I work in - however not convinced that the "interviewer" mode that my boss seems to fall in is the best mode for the manager of our current team in light of last weeks team day. I'm not sure that it would be wise to introduce this concept to him right now though!

Staff development day 13 October

2004-10-13T20:40:00.000Z

Today was a staff development day. How could you dread such a thing when the walk there was so glorious. Always good to have a positive approach. Did this thing which facilitator called a Road map - which didn't make sense to me, but what we did was create a picture of our journey for the last year - which once they got started was OK, apart from the whole drawing thing - not so good on the pictures not words side yet. I think it was meant as a bonding exercise - I managed to get ridiculed for one piece of imagery, and 4 people managed to avoid doing much contributing. I forced one to do a bit at the end but I think the facilitators should have done a bit more prodding.

We did a SWOT on the organisation. I like that - SWOTs are so often navel gazing tools that this was good. I notice the list on a lot of peoples paper for S was a bit short... Shame, but hey that'll be why we need today! I think that is a weakness that was missed - too many people are unwilling to spend time on praising what is good. Gives more grist to AA and my plan for "Positive Wednesdays in the Admin office" We didn't get to the O and T as the rest of the day was spent looking at the W and how we could address them.
All our Ws were listed, then we all had a shot at prioritising them. The understanding of others roles came out as the one most in need of addressing (not, surprisingly, the whole thing that others called lack of communication but I still think is a lack of effective communication as we all do lots of attempts at communication). We all shared our perceptions of our own role, how others help, what could be improved, and how this could be done. I found my perception of some peoples roles was way off (I thought it was part of the tutor/organisers job to recruit students to the courses not everyone else's, she felt otherwise. This could explain a lot) this section also put a lie to the stuff from last nights case study where there had been an assumption that all extroverts were not reflectors because there was plenty indication this is not the case here. Must not forget that. Also I discovered that I need to not tell so much stuff to the boss - he does the "how can I fix this" response to what I say apparently where I have said most things in an information exchange kind of way. More venting of frustration here, less verbal expression of it may be the way forward, after all writing it down makes it as real as saying it for an Iola.

Finished with a 10 minute group work - each group had to say nice stuff about every other member of staff. Lets hope people take on board what was said. I don't think our staff absorb the complements as well as they should. I like being described as a "miracle worker" (not quite, but I try very hard), "always has time for you" (perhaps this explains my backlog, but it is the persona I have worked to have at work) and "highly organised" (there's room for improvement but I do my best). Tomorrow I will have to be assertive at JA and say "stats first newsletter 2nd" and try to start building on what we did today.

12 october

2004-10-13T20:31:00.000Z

Today we had more of the marketing man who tells us stuff about slides. Hmm bit more comprehensible but definite feeling of "I will read the book enough to be able to undertake the assignment, marketing appears for people who believe consuming is a good thing". The Video was a lot more comprehensible.

Managing self was good - positive reinforcement of the "you will have done the homework so this is the next step" none of this pandering to people who aren't investing back. The case study threw up a lot of thorns, a Call centre uses personality profiles to channel it's staff's careers should this be applied elsewhere? I think I'm on the side of "personality profiles are good for people taking responsibility for their own actions but it's a bit unfair to force staff into it". One guy made a good point about money ultimately driving most employers - but if you get your profiling right then you will gain more financially so it is worth it.

Data handling - well Standard deviation makes more sense now. Lets see if I can be made to understand a purpose for it beyond "you need to know it to pass an exam" DDs explanations are entertaining, not always the clearest but sufficiently dynamic to make you want to exert yourself to fill in the gaps which is probably what is intended, afterall isn't teaching partially about creating a desire to know more, hence my departure from that profession for fear of failing on this score (the first departure, the 2nd departure from teaching being a simple loathing kind of thing).

Personality profiling

2004-10-10T21:49:00.000Z

Today I completed some personality profiles. They both said stuff that made sense. Eysenck's test was nicer to do - yes no answers which aren't always possible but not too bad, rather than the "which 2 statements do you agree with more" type which is always guaranteed to irritate - lots of "hmm neither or both" gently getting more irate as the questionnaire proceeds (compounded by the irritation of poor photocopying so the beginning of every line of text on the left hand pages was missing for the whole workbook. ARRRGH so very slack). It was the potted Myers Briggs one (if only I could find my Myers Briggs stuff from the day I went to 5 years ago to compare) The outcome was fine - in a "you can see how this fits like you can see how your sun star horoscope fits" kind of a way. All very nice about your personality so you are happy... The first one had one of those grids where you mark how far along the scale you fall that I have yet to work out how to interpret, but perhaps someone will tell me on Tuesday. That kind of grid that you are generally too embarrassed to tell the teacher you don't understand... Perhaps it's time to get over that.

Anyway personality profiling - very interesting tool, always better to do when you need a bit of positive reinforcement I feel (like reading self help books) than when you are "hey lifes looking good " zone which having found a car to buy without the trauma of lots of garages is the place I'm in right now, might be a little less willing to find fault with the resources and test and more committed to why this is good. Also I fear that peoples lack of willingness to open themselves up for investigation makes it very hard to use them as a management of others building tool - very much a personal thing. Finally I feel I need to work out how to make use of the knowledge I gain from these. Now I know I'm an Extrovert whatever how will this help me? (like I didn't know I was an extrovert before? Dorothy Lowe helped me find out my external reality was more real long time ago, gave me an excuse for lots of failings!).

Also Personality profiling combined with parental intervention - great tools to avoid the reading to make sense of the lectures required for the last marketing lecture and the prep I meant to do for the next Data handling one. So words of the week are "continue to stop and think" and "make more time for study, stop giving in to the tendency to seek external social stimuli and ignore the books, you know it will get out of hand, those foundations are beginning to rock already...."

Week 2 lessons

2004-10-05T21:44:00.000Z

Today was week 2 of lessons. I have absolutely no idea what the marketing person is talking about - he seems to have a set of OHPs that he puts up and talks about in no context. Of course if I concentrated harder perhaps ... spent less time wondering why he seems so scared of us...why it seems so disjointed - what I'm supposed to be thinking when he says stuff about different brands (in a "you will all know about these brands and which is supposed to be better" tone of voice. I'm going to have to surcome and ask someone which is better Soni or Amstrad) This is a new experience for me "I'm going to read the book to make sense of the lecturers" is a new thought in my head. Shows how much I've been spoon fed before I guess. Better get used to it. At least I've got the core text, best get reading.

In Managing for Improving Performance (MIP) we have been given a clear indication of how much (as a minimum) we are supposed to put in on each course outside the lectures - "spend about 2 hours reading this for next week". I guess I can infer that's the same for each module, however it does demonstrate this is a steeper learning curve than last week suggested.

Spent today discussing presentations and I had a lesson in "sharing a classroom with a tangent follower" (sub title "what it's like being with Iola when she's not practicing Stop and Think") as there was a random tangent "public v private sector consultation processes" that was persued for a little while. And did it bug me - oh yes! So we don't like being around people like me... which means we have to not be so much like me, because I doubt I'm the only one it irritates. So much better when we stop and think Iola - unlike getting tired openy gob girl in session 3. Perhaps I should apologise to tutor next week, but it just seemed that quite a few were scared by the intro to statistics we had today, so when the "read up on it" came, out the words popped - look at a GCSE level text for this NOT university level. So "Stop and Think even when tired" is to be worked on. Along with "don't get sucked into negativity" which was the lesson from today at work (oh yes and stop and think came in there too).
That and find the text books soon as next week is Standard Deviation and beyond - Standard deviation being just beyond were my stats understanding stops, and as gobby girl you may be expected to have more of a grip than you do, so look what a position you have put yourself in.

Learning styles: I clearly lie

2004-10-03T10:13:00.000Z

Since we did the learning styles questionnaire (again) and I came out as an activist more than anything else (again) why is it that the preferred learning styles "when you learn best/least" suggestions for a pragmatist are the ones that fit me best (again). Am I some kind of compulsive liar on questionnaires or do I just have no idea what I really do as I go through life? However I do seem to be only just an activist, moderate theorist and pragmatist, very low reflector. This suggests to me I should just get on with embracing everything and acknowledge that learning goes on regardless of how I analyse it.

Interestingly all the activist preferred learning stuff seems to be activities I consider "demonstrating what you already know" but the tutor did say this is a common belief among activists. Hunny and Mumford. Again I wish I knew where the learning styles research I did for teaching may have gone, however this may be one of those tributaries.

But based on all the learning styles stuff I'm going to try and improve my reflector style as it's so low and my targets are to listen more and to stand back and consider more. This weeks mantra is therefore "stop and think". Could do with improving the theorist stuff but as I sort of agree (just not strongly) with most of the things I crossed I don't think I'm ready for that yet. So learning styles: action completing the questionnaire, conclusion clearly I lie, need to get a better self knowledge. I find it easier to relate to the things you can do to improve sections, (being told the answers than having to do the women's own bit) from what I have done I feel I need to focus on listening and considering: stopping and thinking. Progress report on this in one month

Why

2004-10-03T09:31:00.000Z

Having been told the rationale of the "managing for individual effectiveness" module and read the introductions to the learning journal info I have decided the easiest way for me to keep a learning diary is to blog it. I may change my mind, there may be paper parts too but I think this is the way to go. Mainly because I type faster than I write, partly because I will automatically make it anonymous if its in this means partly because I can and comments later so will be able to track them (as the bumph suggests) and partly because I have discovered I'm more ready to write in this format than on a word document as I can transfer it from anywhere - so can do it at work to vent and edit later if needs be.

Today I have learned that there is a lot to do, I don't seem to have come up with much on my SWOT analysis, I wish I knew where I'd put all the other SWOT things I've done (I suspect it's all in the loft, but it may have gone in the recycling bin - is it important enough to get? May revisit at a later date), and I'm going to have to work hard at staying focused because there are an awful lot of interesting tributaries to this stream to go and explore. I seem more interested in the data handling (it has purpose to me) than the marketing (Iola instinct says convincing people to consume more is bad, Iola needs to re-educate herself as she spends half her working days connected to selling people our services, that's half of what admin in a sure start is about. Just because you wish people were sorted enough not to need our services doesn't make it worthless).